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Five year old on being explained about force of gravity through Newton's apple story : " Why did have to wait for the apple? Didn't he realise why he was stting glued to the ground ?"

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'let me do it' (translated : 'I can do it better')

Sometimes when you know that the other person is just standing there impatiently watching u waiting for u to mess things up – you actually go ahead and mess things up.

Jambourree

i
Blossoms bending branches
Your footsteps by mine
I wish to hear

ii
Icy wind

Damp clothes

Huddled frames

iii

You sleep – I ache

Two sides of the world

Darkness and light

iv

Pain binds us

A world we share no more

Filled with autumn leaves

v
Left you one winter morning
My heavy heart did not stop me
From wiping out the songs we sang

You are beautiful

The nurse had grown fond of him. She would often check on him and stay a while to chat with him . That day she noticed a bottle of baby lotion next to his bed and impulsively picked it up and began applying on his face – something he has hated since he was a tiny baby. He made a terrible face and asked her to stop. The nurse said, “ I am making your face more beautiful.’

After she went away, he looked up with tears in his eyes, “Mamma, am I not beautiful already? Why does she need to make me more beautiful?’ After a pause, ‘Does she think that a cream can change my face?’

Communiqué

‘What did you think of their house?’
‘Nice'
‘I loved the way they have used the blue theme – everything is in different shades of blue –from upholstery to curios, crockery, crystals – all carefully chosen’
‘Frankly the house is a showpiece not a home.’
‘Its arty - Even we can afford to - but we don’t bother’
‘Need to be practical with a kid around – damage control is easier’
‘Its impossible talking to you’
‘If you feel that way then change things’
‘I don’t want to blindly ape them’
‘Then don’t’
‘Fine’
‘Fine’

‘…Actually, you are right I think it looks at bit silly – monochromatic’

His cry

Can hear him cry
his voice pierces me like an arrow
amidst similar such cries

Smoky horizon

She had anticipated the diagnosis. The phone call only confirmed her worst fears. She rushed to the hospital and within a few minutes CF brought him in - he was taken to the procedure room and instantly began chatting to the doctors. As usual, she felt proud of him – he talks so sweetly and logically. She hugged him and kissed him. ‘You’ll be okay’, she told him. ‘I know that’ he told me smiling that angelic smile of a 4 year old.

Actually, CF was so spaced out that he did not even tell her – his colleague reminded him to tell her just when they rushed their boy to the procedure room. She had no time to react or shed tears- had to pull herself up – wipe the dark kohl stained tears and rush into the doctor’s chamber.

For the parents it is shattering - the world has crashed. Nothing makes sense and the worst is feared. The doctors were patient with her as she was still wiping her tears. A part of their occupational hazard is dealing with hysterical parents – she reflected later.

The doctor gently explained to them that though the treatment is long, it is curable and that she and her husband can talk to other parents at his clinic to find out more or attend support groups.

His words did sink in – a colleague’s son was diagnosed with it last year – but somehow one never thinks it would happen to your own child. At that moment, she did not care whether her anguish is being or has been experienced by several other parents – at that moment she was completely isolated in grief. All her emotions regarding her child liquidizing into hot tears spilling down my cheeks to be wiped off angrily. ‘Why my child?’ she thought angrily.

That night when she went back home to collect stuff for the long hospital stay, she cried inconsolably – the fear of loosing her baby. She needed to be strong but could not think of anything positive. Tried to pray but could not. Shed all the fears and anguish through tears - until there were no tears left.

Driving back to the hospital she made a promise to herself – ‘I will make the most of my time with him come what may.’ She vowed not to cry again. She willed her riotous emotions into a one powerful thought – I have to be there for him.

Post script : CF has been reading up on it like crazy – time to time cautioning her about the worst that they have to witness as the treatment unfolds – may be she in denial but she still cannot think about it …literally handling it one day at a time helps her to deal with it.

This was a period of experiencing motherhood as never before. This was a period of bonding like never before. This was a chance to love as never before.