Afternoon soiree

She stood at the bedroom door-watching mamma get dressed up. The combing of the hair into a neat bun, running of the pencil through the eyebrows, checking the lipstick was all so familiar. Mamma was going out - as she did most afternoons. “Be a good girl okay? I will be back soon.”
‘Don’t go mamma’ , she silently pleaded.

She felt the pair for eyes burning her back. The pair of eyes followed her as she went with mamma to the door. Mamma kissed her and went out. She stood there staring at the closed door until a pair of hands grabbed her shoulder.

“Let’s go”, came the hated voice. She silently marched off to her bedroom. “Hurry up".Tears dwelled up in her eyes as her clothes were taken off. “Now lets not have a drama ok. Lets enjoy it.’’

She

She sat on her side of the bed, staring at the pink tablets in her palm. She had emptied all the packs. The phone has been ringing for some time now. She knew who was calling but could not move - as if spell bound by the monotonous rings…

It was that time of the year.
The time of grand festivities.
The time you look forward and plan for for months.
The time you wore best and joined in community revelry.

That year highlight of festivities was screening of a movie on a giant screen.
That year was special for she had turned ten.
That was was a landmark for she was granted the freedom of going out with her friends

It seemed like though everyone was out on the street.
The excitement was palpable.
She was having the best time of her life. And then ...she decided to go home for a quick sip of water.

Mom was at home lying down on the bed.
"Aren't you coming out? Everyone is out there. It will be fun"
A gloomy voice came from the bed,''I don't like all this anymore. Too many people and their aimless chatter. I rather stay home and read."

She stood there shuffling her feet ...feeling a sense of guilt surge through her. "Sure ? They are screening a movie".
'That holds no attraction for me', came the reply."You go if you want to.I am not stopping you."
''Ok , I am leaving..."she said in a faint voice.
"All right".

She lingered around for a few more moments. Should she stay home or should she go? The voices and the sounds floating in through the balcony had her out of the door before she knew it. She ran down the stairs - her heart thumping. Unknown to her, she also ran down the stairs taking with her the burden of guilt about enjoying life that was to weigh her down forever.

A glimpse of another life

She felt shattered not because of the contemptuous behaviour (a part of her everyday life for a long time) but because of the unexpected nice and rather loving behaviour meted out to her even if for a period of days that can be counted on the fingers of a single hand. In that short period she got a glimpse of another life - of what her heart was capable of receiving and giving ; the kind of space they could have shared and the kind of person she could have been .


Ps: When the extraordinary becomes a part of everyday life, it becomes the ordinary

Smoky horizon

She had anticipated the diagnosis. The phone call only confirmed her worst fears. She rushed to the hospital and within a few minutes CF brought him in - he was taken to the procedure room and instantly began chatting to the doctors. As usual, she felt proud of him – he talks so sweetly and logically. She hugged him and kissed him. ‘You’ll be okay’, she told him. ‘I know that’ he told me smiling that angelic smile of a 4 year old.

Actually, CF was so spaced out that he did not even tell her – his colleague reminded him to tell her just when they rushed their boy to the procedure room. She had no time to react or shed tears- had to pull herself up – wipe the dark kohl stained tears and rush into the doctor’s chamber.

For the parents it is shattering - the world has crashed. Nothing makes sense and the worst is feared. The doctors were patient with her as she was still wiping her tears. A part of their occupational hazard is dealing with hysterical parents – she reflected later.

The doctor gently explained to them that though the treatment is long, it is curable and that she and her husband can talk to other parents at his clinic to find out more or attend support groups.

His words did sink in – a colleague’s son was diagnosed with it last year – but somehow one never thinks it would happen to your own child. At that moment, she did not care whether her anguish is being or has been experienced by several other parents – at that moment she was completely isolated in grief. All her emotions regarding her child liquidizing into hot tears spilling down my cheeks to be wiped off angrily. ‘Why my child?’ she thought angrily.

That night when she went back home to collect stuff for the long hospital stay, she cried inconsolably – the fear of loosing her baby. She needed to be strong but could not think of anything positive. Tried to pray but could not. Shed all the fears and anguish through tears - until there were no tears left.

Driving back to the hospital she made a promise to herself – ‘I will make the most of my time with him come what may.’ She vowed not to cry again. She willed her riotous emotions into a one powerful thought – I have to be there for him.

Post script : CF has been reading up on it like crazy – time to time cautioning her about the worst that they have to witness as the treatment unfolds – may be she in denial but she still cannot think about it …literally handling it one day at a time helps her to deal with it.

This was a period of experiencing motherhood as never before. This was a period of bonding like never before. This was a chance to love as never before.

The sea and she

She walked softly on the sand until she reached the end of the shore. She watched mesmerized as the phosphorous crowned waves splashed on the shore in quick successions. The stars simmered at her as she looked up. She stood there for a while calming her thoughts, her eyes closed and then with a firm nod she strode forward swiftly, only to be slowed down by the wet sand. She pushed her feet through the heavy sand bending her knees as she entered the water so that it reached her upper body. As she went further in, she slowly straightened up till it was deep enough for her to be standing tiptoe. Then suddenly she could no longer feel the bottom. She allowed herself to sink but the swimmer in her instinctively made her bob up and down comfortably. She steeled her mind and plunged forward deeper, to let the waves have her.

Angry waves caught her, pulling her up with in one swift motion and thrashing her down again. While time stood still, she was, twirled and tossed, till the waves had their fill. Weary waves dropped her off on the shore on the cold clammy sand.

She lay face down numbed by cold and pain. It was a while before she lifted her head …a long stretch of darkness lay in front of her with lights blinking in the distance. She did not have the strength to lift herself so she lay down with her cheek on the cold sand…she picked up a fistful of wet sand and began to laugh…her body paining as it shook with laughter…