Frankly my dear...

Your mother never thought of me. She thought it was my duty to raise her. Yes it was but it was not my duty to give her my life. My life is my own has a place in it. Your mother felt she had the right to live and I had the duty to slog. Yes I slogged but not because she could wave her accusing finger at me. Not because she could turn around and tell me that it was supposed to do all that for her that I owed it to her cause I had her.

Your mother …she never felt that I can have a life of my own and I could if I wanted to and I had the opportunities …if I wanted to I could have done things for myself ...I could have had the pleasure of enjoying life for myself. But I did not …I think I made a mistake because she took it for granted and turned her back on me. She felt I owed it to her…she turned her back on me when she found her own two feet.

I threw away my life for her…I don’t think I had to do it just because I had her. I could have left her abandoned her given her away …told her to shut up...kept her waiting at night changed homes randomly…changed partners when I wished. But I did not …and you keep this in mind…don’t throw your life away for some ungrateful children. Keep your life in your hand…let them fit in. They can.. they will …you will end your life or else you will loose your all. Loose your all.

Now why did you come here? Your daughter’s marriage? Which one is this?

Random lines

He was showing her his childhood pics – on her request.
“You were so cute –love that curly mop. U turned into such a freak”
“Don’t call me that”
“F-r-e-a-k”
“I said don’t call me that”
“What will u do?”
“I will kiss you.”
She stared at him and let it out slowly and softly, “freak”.

Of late you prefer to get off the car with a hurried kiss and a warm goodbye and take confident steps towards the school gate, one hand clutching the small lunch bag. I watch you till you disappear into the crowd.

As your selfhood gets more pronounced you leave me feeling tender with memories of a tiny little bundle being dropped off at the day care...tearful goodbyes ... joyous reunions at pick up time...surge of emotions as i held you close to me just as it was the first time.

Time to step back a bit and savour these moments before they are gone in a wink.

The wait

Battered I stand at your door, knocking timidly
Waiting anxiously for your footsteps
There is darkness all around and in my heart

Wisecrack

You fall in love just once
every other time you just imitate.

It hurts no more

It hurts no more
Just a dull ache in your heart
A choking in your throat
You know the feeling will pass
Ease away with tears
It hurts no more
When you're ‘comfortably numb’.

Once more

Deafening sound
Acrid smell
Mangled bodies
Anguished voices
Shattered glass
A slipper here a bag there
Scurrying feet
Smell of fear
Once more ....

Ode to you

Each day when I am alone, I close my eyes and try to feel your embrace, now that you are one with the universe. I could not mourn your death as I was completely caught up in my own life. You were my friend, my comfort, a beautiful part of my childhood. You gave me selflessly. You never judged me and you taught me well. You were an inspiration - not only to me but to so many. I will forever remember and cherish each and every of those glorious moments spent at your place. I cannot ever thank you enough for touching my life.

How can you suffer in silence and yet crave for freedom ?

Overheard

Father : Everyone makes mistake. It is a part of human nature. No one is perfect. Only God is perfect.

Son: So what's wrong with wanting to be God?

Right now ...

dashed
crushed
lost

trampled
trodden
sore

discoloured
damned
damp

You left

You left
Before I could you meet you once more
Before I could hear from you all that I ever wanted to
Before I could plant a kiss on your forehead one last time
Before I could hold you tight to feel the familiar warmth of your love
Before I could once more be soothed by the touch of your loving hands
Before I could get myself together and grab a chance to say one last goodbye

Becoming 'us'

Do you remember how we used to walk every evening down the lanes shaded with trees always taking the longest route home, talking incessantly, sharing our thoughts, laughing and feeling happy?

They all knew while we could not name our feelings. They all talked about us while we tried to pair each other with someone else. Then one night of celebrations, while dancing with another, we knew. Heady with unfathomable feelings we rushed to meet each other at 4am. We could barely meet each others eyes …we were trembling, we were giggling.

‘We knew it all along. Who were they fooling ?’ they said. We were too happy to protest. Too content to be beaming and staring at each other. Too blessed to finally belong.

Afternoon soiree

She stood at the bedroom door-watching mamma get dressed up. The combing of the hair into a neat bun, running of the pencil through the eyebrows, checking the lipstick was all so familiar. Mamma was going out - as she did most afternoons. “Be a good girl okay? I will be back soon.”
‘Don’t go mamma’ , she silently pleaded.

She felt the pair for eyes burning her back. The pair of eyes followed her as she went with mamma to the door. Mamma kissed her and went out. She stood there staring at the closed door until a pair of hands grabbed her shoulder.

“Let’s go”, came the hated voice. She silently marched off to her bedroom. “Hurry up".Tears dwelled up in her eyes as her clothes were taken off. “Now lets not have a drama ok. Lets enjoy it.’’

My son finishes a page of sums in a flash but takes eternity to do his writing work. I keep telling him, "Hurry up a bit ...how would you feel if you are the last one to finish in class....how would you feel if everyone finishes their work and you are still writing in the recess...etc."

One day in midst of the my lecture he looks at me and says, "Mamma why do you always want me to finish first? Everyone cannot finish first. Someone has to finish last right?"

A few minutes over a drink

They were meeting each other after a couple of years.. They had a less than an hour to catch up over a drink. Both with little time on hand, both tired with pending errands to be completed. There was a comfort level but a little akwardness too. The sort of thing that develops when your lives have gone separate ways, independent of each other. Yet you want to keep the connection going - in memory of what is was decades ago.

Ray fish

You

Deep down in your heart
You believe I repent
You think you know
For you know me so well
Yet it tortures you that you could not guess
How my mind worked that summer
And you may spend a whole life time tying to
Figure out what went wrong in understanding me…
May be you were too busy loving me

Where my dream takes me

This interior of a house comes in my dream very often. Usually, I am walking around the house…especially the guest area which is not really a room but a part of the living room partitioned by a glass folding door. There is also an extension of the apartment through a corridor but I go there only sometimes. This is the main area where I hang out when i visit this place.

I cannot remember ever having visited such a house ever in my life. The recurrence of the dream intrigues me.

She

She sat on her side of the bed, staring at the pink tablets in her palm. She had emptied all the packs. The phone has been ringing for some time now. She knew who was calling but could not move - as if spell bound by the monotonous rings…