It was that time of the year.
The time of grand festivities.
The time you look forward and plan for for months.
The time you wore best and joined in community revelry.
That year highlight of festivities was screening of a movie on a giant screen.
That year was special for she had turned ten.
That was was a landmark for she was granted the freedom of going out with her friends
It seemed like though everyone was out on the street.
The excitement was palpable.
She was having the best time of her life. And then ...she decided to go home for a quick sip of water.
Mom was at home lying down on the bed.
"Aren't you coming out? Everyone is out there. It will be fun"
A gloomy voice came from the bed,''I don't like all this anymore. Too many people and their aimless chatter. I rather stay home and read."
She stood there shuffling her feet ...feeling a sense of guilt surge through her. "Sure ? They are screening a movie".
'That holds no attraction for me', came the reply."You go if you want to.I am not stopping you."
''Ok , I am leaving..."she said in a faint voice.
"All right".
She lingered around for a few more moments. Should she stay home or should she go? The voices and the sounds floating in through the balcony had her out of the door before she knew it. She ran down the stairs - her heart thumping. Unknown to her, she also ran down the stairs taking with her the burden of guilt about enjoying life that was to weigh her down forever.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Reality bites
The truth finally dawned upon him :
Friday, November 30, 2007
A Thousand Splendid Suns
Hosseini's second one pulls at your heart strings as does his 'Kite Runner'. A haunting tale of two women in Afghanistan - a saga of misery, abuse, violence enmeshed in daily existence in the backdrop of dark political changes- in a completely different setting from my urban existence in world’s largest democracy - yet so relatable through the common cord of sisterhood. (I was reminded of Tagore story "Kabuliwalla' where the author's empathy for the misfortunate trader from Kabul was echoed in the words: 'I am a father and he is also a father'.)
I did not realize how deeply the book had affected me till about a week after I had finished it. I was aware of the fact that the book was wrecking havoc with my emotions – and I was generally a bit low but It was only after I started upon a lighter read – something I need do to clear my head- that I could related my depression to my relationship with this book. I have not been this affected after a long time.
What makes the story palpable is the mastery of the storyteller to create coherent and believable characters and finely weave a story of suffering, misery, pain, interpersonal violence and abuse in everyday lives with the ravaging political changes of the country. The parallel movement of life histories of the protagonists and the politico - historical events; the shaping of their everyday lives by the reigning political diktat was simply fascinating. An ordinary story made extraordinary.
Synopsis : Born a generation apart and with very different ideas about love and family, Mariam and Laila are two women brought jarringly together by war, by loss and by fate. As they endure the ever escalating dangers around them — in their home as well as in the streets of Kabul — they come to form a bond that makes them both sisters and mother-daughter to each other, and that will ultimately alter the course not just of their own lives but of the next generation.
Ps : In this world, across cultures, there may be some Mariams, many Lailas bonded to Rasheeds missing their Tariques while loving their Zalmais.
Friday, November 16, 2007
The prayer
The weather forecast warnings said that the eastern part of the country was to be hit by a major cyclone. My son was concerned about the safety of his Dad travelling to that part of the country. He asked me if prayers could stop the storm and I said that he could try. Soon he was folding his hands and praying and his prayer was:
'God please stop the storm . God please keep not only my daddy but all the people out there safe from the storm.'
I so touched.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
You :)
I love you and always will.
Every bit of you
Just the way you are:
warm,
funny
quirky
irritating
You make me smile
You warm my heart.
You put a glow on my face
You make my emotions feel safe and secure.
You bring out my true spirit and make me strong
You the one from whom I do not have to hide myself
You let me be myself unabashedly.
You I trust most.
I know you love me the most
Every bit of me
Just the way I am
kind
funny
weird
loving
You love me sincerely, passionately, endearingly
You share your fragile emotions with me
For you trust me the most.
I know you love me
For I can feel your love
Yes, I can feel your love.
A glimpse of another life
Ps: When the extraordinary becomes a part of everyday life, it becomes the ordinary
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Contentment is :
Getting up early to see the sky change colours
A session of soul cleansing music
Getting lost in magical prose
Letting that forbidden blob of chocolate melt in your mouth
Watching a sleeping child
Brand Barbie

A few days later my son watching an ad about a new Barbie doll avatar says to me, "Mamma please buy me a Barbie?”
I am surprised at this car crazy boy’s request and ask,” Why do you want a Barbie? Do you like dolls?”
He replies, “No, not that much.”
“Then why?”
"Well none of the boys in my class have Barbie – so I want to be different – its good to be different. "
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Split milk
My space obsessed 5 year old son was watching a Sci- fi movie with me. Post movie conversation as follows:
'There are real aliens right?'
'Well some think so ...'
'They look like the ones in the movie? '
'The movie showed imaginary .'
'I think there are aliens many galaxies away but they will never come to earth .'
'Why not? '
'There is a big problem. They think our galaxy - Milky Way- is just milk split in the sky - that's the problem. They may think it is stinky spoilt milk and never come near it. So there will never discover earth.' :(
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Where do I look?
I am blessed with this problem of not knowing how to cast or hold my gaze in certain social encounters. This is what I usually do :
Scenario 1 :
Encounter a stranger. Likely place - lobby of an apartment. Glances meet, they dart away after a brief smile and then eyes are again lowered. Thereafter, I ignore the person and study my feet or if waiting for the elevator stare at the floor numbers being displayed. Alternatively, I have the unfocused look that does not focus on any thing particular but somewhere above the head.
Scenario 2 :
If the situation demand that both and the stranger you are circumstantially waiting for something for a long period of time – at clinics /tubes station/bus stops/ or traveling in public transport then there will be occasional glances from both sides – may be a brief smile or a nod. The there is definitely the checking out of your corner look.
Scenario 3:
This one happens to me often and it is the worst. The person is familiar but not an acquaintance- perhaps lives in the same apartment, walks down the same road or goes to the neighbourhood shop. You spot the person at a distance and dread having to acknowledge. You must do it at the right time. If your glances have locked and smiles have been exchanged too early then you have the problem of not knowing when to break it. The worst is when your glances meet and then you smile holding the glance until you suddenly drop or shift your eyes to break it. Ouch! It is so awkward.
Just dreaming
I had a bizarre dream last night about her, him ,you and me. In my dream, I was getting married to him. I was happy and completely at peace. There were some friends around me, and then my mother came with my bridal fineries. I went with her to get ready.
While going up the stair I glanced from the window and saw her standing with a man and a small girl. She was looking at the house and then at a paper. She nodded at the man beside her and they started to walk towards the house. My heart was pounding as I saw them disappear under the window.
Then you came and told me “She has come.”
“Why?”
“She just wanted to meet me. Her husband and her step daughter are also here.You need not go down”.
After a while, you came up again. There was pain in your eyes. You looked at me and smiled, “You look beautiful.”
I wished you would not look at me with so much pain in your eyes. I could feel the sadness.
“I will stay if you want me to.”
“No you go – you will be happy’”
“But…it breaks my heart to see you so sad. Will you be happy if I stay?”
"I want you to be happy"
"That you won't be if I get married...right?"
We stood looking at each other ....and…. prodding of tiny feet at my back woke me up - never got to see the end.
What did I choose ?
Did I stay with you?
Hope dreams have episodes!
Monday, September 10, 2007
:) :) :)
The call was from him
Hello?”
“She is getting married today.”
“How do you feel?”(Stupid Q)
“Dead.”
“I’ll come over.”
“No - want to be alone.”
Then you wouldn’t have called.”
Silence …
“I’ll be there.
I hang up …throw my arms in the air with a “Yeah” and rush out to be with him.
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Labels: Random natter, The world of young and foolish
You and I
Have forgotten
Tenderness
Indulgence
Patience
Have learnt
Bitterness
Sarcasm
Antipathy
Fight for
Dignity
Time
Space
Friday, September 7, 2007
!!!
Five year old on being explained about force of gravity through Newton's apple story : " Why did have to wait for the apple? Didn't he realise why he was stting glued to the ground ?"
Saturday, September 1, 2007
???
'let me do it' (translated : 'I can do it better')
Sometimes when you know that the other person is just standing there impatiently watching u waiting for u to mess things up – you actually go ahead and mess things up.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Blossoms bending branches
Your footsteps by mine
I wish to hear
ii
Icy wind
iii
iv
v
Left you one winter morning
My heavy heart did not stop me
From wiping out the songs we sang
You are beautiful
The nurse had grown fond of him. She would often check on him and stay a while to chat with him . That day she noticed a bottle of baby lotion next to his bed and impulsively picked it up and began applying on his face – something he has hated since he was a tiny baby. He made a terrible face and asked her to stop. The nurse said, “ I am making your face more beautiful.’
After she went away, he looked up with tears in his eyes, “Mamma, am I not beautiful already? Why does she need to make me more beautiful?’ After a pause, ‘Does she think that a cream can change my face?’
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Communiqué
‘What did you think of their house?’
‘Nice'
‘I loved the way they have used the blue theme – everything is in different shades of blue –from upholstery to curios, crockery, crystals – all carefully chosen’
‘Frankly the house is a showpiece not a home.’
‘Its arty - Even we can afford to - but we don’t bother’
‘Need to be practical with a kid around – damage control is easier’
‘Its impossible talking to you’
‘If you feel that way then change things’
‘I don’t want to blindly ape them’
‘Then don’t’
‘Fine’
‘Fine’
‘…Actually, you are right I think it looks at bit silly – monochromatic’
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Smoky horizon
Actually, CF was so spaced out that he did not even tell her – his colleague reminded him to tell her just when they rushed their boy to the procedure room. She had no time to react or shed tears- had to pull herself up – wipe the dark kohl stained tears and rush into the doctor’s chamber.
For the parents it is shattering - the world has crashed. Nothing makes sense and the worst is feared. The doctors were patient with her as she was still wiping her tears. A part of their occupational hazard is dealing with hysterical parents – she reflected later.
The doctor gently explained to them that though the treatment is long, it is curable and that she and her husband can talk to other parents at his clinic to find out more or attend support groups.
That night when she went back home to collect stuff for the long hospital stay, she cried inconsolably – the fear of loosing her baby. She needed to be strong but could not think of anything positive. Tried to pray but could not. Shed all the fears and anguish through tears - until there were no tears left.
Driving back to the hospital she made a promise to herself – ‘I will make the most of my time with him come what may.’ She vowed not to cry again. She willed her riotous emotions into a one powerful thought – I have to be there for him.
Post script : CF has been reading up on it like crazy – time to time cautioning her about the worst that they have to witness as the treatment unfolds – may be she in denial but she still cannot think about it …literally handling it one day at a time helps her to deal with it.
This was a period of experiencing motherhood as never before. This was a period of bonding like never before. This was a chance to love as never before.
Monday, August 20, 2007
The door next to ours
Every day when I would come back from school, I would reach our floor and try not to look at any other direction but our door. Invariably I would cast a sideway glance. There she would be sitting there on her chair with her door open. She would smile …a toothless grin and I would return it with a shy smile of my own.
I do not know why I could never get used to this regular afternoon exchange. Perhaps I hoped that one day she would not be sitting there -that the door would be closed. It was a dreadful eerie ten seconds that I put myself through everyday for no reason.
She was our ‘next door’. neighbour in the apartment building we lived in. Literally next door as the entrances to the four flats on the floor were abosulutely next to each other. She lived all alone. Her son lived in Canada and her daughter lived in the same city and came to check on her once a week. A woman would come twice a day to cook and clean for her.
Her door remained opened through out the day and she sat there watching whoever came and went. I am sure she waited for me to come back from school and knew exactly what time the man in the opposite flat came home from office – we only saw him on weekends.
Her evenings were spent watching children play in the playground downstairs. We would see her seating and peering through the railings of the balcony as we sped on our cycles around the building. Sometimes another elderly woman from the adjacent apartment building would come over in the late evenings to chat with her. I would have just got back home a swimming session – and there would be the two of them staring at me.
I rarely spoke to her. My mother occasionally would send me across with some vegetarian fare – she would receive it with the widest of toothless grin and pet my head with a shaky hand. I would smile politely but never volunteered a conversation. She would ask me a thing or two and my replies would be as monosyllabic as possible. She would sometimes ask me if I was feeling shy and I would nod my head – desperate to run.
She used to like my grandmother. Whenever my grandmother visited us she would come to our house to talk to her. I would open the door to let her in, ask her to sit and then run away to my room. My mom would make tea for her, which she would pour on the saucer and drink. Her toothless mouth would make a loud slurping sound as she sipped the tea. ‘Shuuruuuuuuth’. This I would delightfully witness from a distance.
Our gang of friends named her Juju – a sort of code word for a scary person. We would talk about her and giggle. We would imagine bizarre situations with Juju in it. I would be teased about Juju visiting our house. We would mimic Juju’s broken quivering voice and the way she drank tea. One of us would pretend to be Juju and chase the others as they shrieked and ran away.
One day I came home as usual casting my covert glance at the door next to ours only to find it shut. I rang our doorbell. My mom opened the door and I saw Juju’s daughter sitting on the sofa – red eyed. Mom asked me to go to my room – where else. I tip toed towards the drawing room to hear what was on.
‘She is very fond of your daughter – used to wait for her to be back form school. Used to remind her of my brother’s daughter – she is also 9 years old. I am so grateful to you for checking on her. I really could not do much for her – you know how joint families are.’
‘Hope she does not suffer too much’, said my mom.
They spoke in low tone and I could not strain myself anymore to hear them. So I waited. I hear her leaving shortly and rush to my mom. Ma told me that she suffered a stroke and was taken to the hospital in the morning. Luckily, the woman who cleans was there and she called the neighbours.
‘Will she be okay ma?’
‘Well she is in coma- it is better if she passes away – she won’t suffer that way’
I rushed off to the terrace where my friends were and breathlessly told them the news. There was a silence and then one of them said, ‘Now she will really come as a ghost and scare us at night.’ ‘Shut up**’ we shouted said unanimously.
Could not sleep that night. Cried a bit. Wished that I had spoken to her – spent time with her. Promised to make it up to her when she was back. Prayed hard that she comes back.
But she never did. The door next to ours remained shut. Each day I dreaded to come back from school to be waiting for our door to open. I could almost feel her eyes on me…beckoning me but never demanding.
Standing in front of our door with that door on the side was eerie and suffocating. I could not tell this to my mom – she would have shut me up and I did not tell this to my friends for I was not sure of their reaction…So I suffered in silence – ridiculously avoiding eye contact with the closed door as I did when it used to be open.
The ordeal finally ended when some months later we shifted to another house. The distance did me good. I could finally sleep – I was finally at peace with her.
Shining star smile down at me
Sometimes I may have to go.
Mamma will you come back?
Yes my dear you know I will I always do.
But what if someday you don’t come back?
Then look at the night sky.
The brightest star there will be your Mamma
Smiling down at you.
Friday, August 10, 2007
The sea and she
She walked softly on the sand until she reached the end of the shore. She watched mesmerized as the phosphorous crowned waves splashed on the shore in quick successions. The stars simmered at her as she looked up. She stood there for a while calming her thoughts, her eyes closed and then with a firm nod she strode forward swiftly, only to be slowed down by the wet sand. She pushed her feet through the heavy sand bending her knees as she entered the water so that it reached her upper body. As she went further in, she slowly straightened up till it was deep enough for her to be standing tiptoe. Then suddenly she could no longer feel the bottom. She allowed herself to sink but the swimmer in her instinctively made her bob up and down comfortably. She steeled her mind and plunged forward deeper, to let the waves have her.
Angry waves caught her, pulling her up with in one swift motion and thrashing her down again. While time stood still, she was, twirled and tossed, till the waves had their fill. Weary waves dropped her off on the shore on the cold clammy sand.
She lay face down numbed by cold and pain. It was a while before she lifted her head …a long stretch of darkness lay in front of her with lights blinking in the distance. She did not have the strength to lift herself so she lay down with her cheek on the cold sand…she picked up a fistful of wet sand and began to laugh…her body paining as it shook with laughter…
Monday, June 25, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
The gossip
She blew rings of smoke from her plucked lips and said in a bored voice, ‘Tell me something interesting yaaa….’
Pea glanced at me and I raised my eyebrows. ‘I have no news…I am very boring just work, pick up my kid and go home.’
‘Stop it yaa’. ‘Same with me,’ said Pea.
‘You shut Pea – gossip is your fodder.’
‘True it used to be but I just do not get any news anymore,’ said Pea sheepishly. ‘Why don’t u tell us some?’
‘Now what? Did I tell you I met Nina and she said that Ivy is getting her second divorce. That girl…could never stick onto anyone.’
Pea looked interested. ‘Any issues? Uh?’
‘Kids? None …saved yaaa.
Oh BTW I must tell u this one…remember Monica?’
I nodded, ‘Yeah of course…she was such fun…completely wild. Remember those sessions in her room?’
‘Yeah but u will be shocked to see her now. She is married and is living bang opposite my in-laws’ place. Saw her yesterday with a most hideous husband. Got a kid also...thin as a stick. She has bloated and looked haggard and was obviously shocked out of her skin to see me. Was kind of uncomfortable when she spoke to me. Said she will catch up but haven’t got a glimpse of her ever since. I did not bother…must be embarrassed to meet me…can’t believe SHE has settled into such middle class domesticity.’
We sipped our peach ice tea in silence and munched on our nachos. ‘So how are you doing?’ I asked her.
She waved her manicured hand and said, ‘Life could not be better …no complains. I have all the I could ask for. Hubby doing so well with his business… extremely chilled out and non interfering…My kid is big enough to wipe his own bottom and fix his own breakfast and is learning swimming, tennis, piano. We have a lovely house…you guys must visit yaa…tickets are so cheap now.’
Pea kicked me under the table. I looked tried to maintain a deadpan face. Lookgn at the time I said, ‘Oops I have to rush – got to pick my kid from the daycare.
I’ll make a move too,’ said Pea almost reluctantly.
We settled the bills and updated our contact details.
She slowly got up and put on her oversized sunglasses. ‘So when can we meet again? I am in the town till this Sunday.’
‘We can call and fix something,’ said Pea
‘Why call? Lets fix it now…let meet on Saturday for lunch.’
Not willing to commit I made vague noises: ‘Dunno …let’s see…will figure out ….’
‘Are you free on Saturday or not? she asked me categorically
‘Yeah.. Maybe’.
‘Ok Sat lunch around 1. You won’t see me till next year so please make an effort.’
‘Saturday 1pm Sounds fine,’ said Pea and gave me a stern look.
‘Let’s meet at the Intercontinental …have been there for ages yaaa’
‘Fine …will be there at the lobby’
‘Better think of juicy gossips to fill me up with …u have 5 days.’ This was directed at me with a prod in my belly. I gave Pea the look. Pea was clumsily extracting a chewing gum from its pack.
‘Hey, do you know the Royes?,’ asked Pea
‘Which Royes?’
‘Well they live in Rideshire too and are apparently your neighbours’
‘Oh yeah …well they are not immediate neighbours. Errr how do u know them?’
‘They are cousins-related to my husband. Very close to us. Visited us recently. It was such a coincidence – I was mentioning to them that I have a good friend in Rideshire and they happen to be your neighbours. Said they know you very well. Strange coincidence uh?’ Pea was smiling - chewing on her gum.
‘Yes bizarre coincidence’. She got busy putting things in her purse.
We stood for a moment outside the café hugging each other ( muaah muaah ) and saying our goodbyes.
‘So we see we meet on Sat then,’ said Pea.
I nodded. We both looked at her for affirmation.
She stood there inscrutable in her oversized sunglasses. ‘Uh let’s keep it open u know…we are flying off the next day so if case there is a family thing…you know with the in laws.’
‘All rightly then we confirm on Friday,’ said Pea in a firm voice.
We parted. I rushed to the car park dragging Pea. ‘I am bloody late P.’
‘Relax five minutes won’t make a different. The kid will be happy to have five minutes extra to play.’
‘Oh, shut up P.’
We were on our way. Pea suddenly said, ‘Sat lunch is off’.
‘Then why did we spent so much time discussing it ? What is your problem now?’
‘Not me …it’s. She will make excuses not to meet.’
I looked at Pea quizzically. ‘I thought she was the one who was most keen on it. Well…is there more to it?’
‘Well nothing much but just that I have heard from the grape wine that what makes her marriage successful is a young ‘lover’.’
‘Your cousins told you. How do they know?’
‘The community there is small and news travels fast. Infact she is much gossiped about for her loud behaviour and flashy ways. The laugh is actually on the husband who works his ass off -money-churning machine and madam gets her kicks elsewhere. Apparently was in the act in the swimming pool and some peeping Tom neighbour happened to witness it.’
‘She would not be so irresponsible with a kid around.’
‘Dahling …kid goes to a bounty of activities post school and is blissfully away till evening.
‘Pea!! Gossip is truly your fodder. This is total sleaze!’
‘Some people are never grateful. Gathering gossip is a work of art. Anyway came to good use today. Did you see her face when I mentioned my cousin’s name?’
‘Yeah she was rather abrupt. Anyway, be careful. Words do their rounds.’
‘They sure do.’
‘Leave her alone Pea. It is none of our business.’
‘What have I done? Don’t be a prig. I am not going to ask her. Just helped the breeze to find its way. Saved you from the Saturday lunch didn’t I?’
‘Oh shut up Pea.’
‘Well at least she will be not pester us for ‘juicy gossips yaaaaaa’’
We both giggled uncontrollably.
---
Saturday morning, both Pea and I got a message on our cell phone:
‘Sorry cannot meet up. Family dinner in the evening – last minute decision. Will be in touch. Au revoir.’
She is still there on my mailing list and sends me common junk mail from time to time. We still talk about her sometimes during our Friday lunches. Pea feels she did a good thing by giving a taste of her own medicine…I feel confused. How will it be when we meet her again - that is if we ever meet her again?