She had anticipated the diagnosis. The phone call only confirmed her worst fears. She rushed to the hospital and within a few minutes CF brought him in - he was taken to the procedure room and instantly began chatting to the doctors. As usual, she felt proud of him – he talks so sweetly and logically. She hugged him and kissed him. ‘You’ll be okay’, she told him. ‘I know that’ he told me smiling that angelic smile of a 4 year old.
Actually, CF was so spaced out that he did not even tell her – his colleague reminded him to tell her just when they rushed their boy to the procedure room. She had no time to react or shed tears- had to pull herself up – wipe the dark kohl stained tears and rush into the doctor’s chamber.
For the parents it is shattering - the world has crashed. Nothing makes sense and the worst is feared. The doctors were patient with her as she was still wiping her tears. A part of their occupational hazard is dealing with hysterical parents – she reflected later.
Actually, CF was so spaced out that he did not even tell her – his colleague reminded him to tell her just when they rushed their boy to the procedure room. She had no time to react or shed tears- had to pull herself up – wipe the dark kohl stained tears and rush into the doctor’s chamber.
For the parents it is shattering - the world has crashed. Nothing makes sense and the worst is feared. The doctors were patient with her as she was still wiping her tears. A part of their occupational hazard is dealing with hysterical parents – she reflected later.
The doctor gently explained to them that though the treatment is long, it is curable and that she and her husband can talk to other parents at his clinic to find out more or attend support groups.
His words did sink in – a colleague’s son was diagnosed with it last year – but somehow one never thinks it would happen to your own child. At that moment, she did not care whether her anguish is being or has been experienced by several other parents – at that moment she was completely isolated in grief. All her emotions regarding her child liquidizing into hot tears spilling down my cheeks to be wiped off angrily. ‘Why my child?’ she thought angrily.
That night when she went back home to collect stuff for the long hospital stay, she cried inconsolably – the fear of loosing her baby. She needed to be strong but could not think of anything positive. Tried to pray but could not. Shed all the fears and anguish through tears - until there were no tears left.
Driving back to the hospital she made a promise to herself – ‘I will make the most of my time with him come what may.’ She vowed not to cry again. She willed her riotous emotions into a one powerful thought – I have to be there for him.
That night when she went back home to collect stuff for the long hospital stay, she cried inconsolably – the fear of loosing her baby. She needed to be strong but could not think of anything positive. Tried to pray but could not. Shed all the fears and anguish through tears - until there were no tears left.
Driving back to the hospital she made a promise to herself – ‘I will make the most of my time with him come what may.’ She vowed not to cry again. She willed her riotous emotions into a one powerful thought – I have to be there for him.
Post script : CF has been reading up on it like crazy – time to time cautioning her about the worst that they have to witness as the treatment unfolds – may be she in denial but she still cannot think about it …literally handling it one day at a time helps her to deal with it.
This was a period of experiencing motherhood as never before. This was a period of bonding like never before. This was a chance to love as never before.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment